Don't Blow Your Cover
by FandomAngel
Summary: When the new 'International Exchange Program' at Hogwarts includes 31 nations, things get a little hectic. Especially when they can't reveal who they really are. Sort of...Cracky? Oh, and yes, there are pairings. I'll let you figure them out. But two of them are my OTPS.
1. Prolouge

**A/N: Yes, I am aware that this is sort of crack like, but I was bored and I got an idea. So, enjoy the ramblings of a seventeen year old at two o'clock in the morning! Also, I'm not even going to try writing out Sweden's accent, so just read it like him in your head!**

Prologue

It was Harry's fifth year when Dumbledore announced thirty-one international pupils would join them as part of the new "International Exchange Program." The Hogwarts students were intrigued and whispered excitedly when McGonagall strode forward with a long list.

The doors opened, and in walked the strangest group of students Harry had ever seen. They appeared to all know each other, despite being from different countries. Thirty-one different nationalities, represented by these…teenagers? Some of them looked older than seventeen, while others looked too young. Such as the small blonde boy tugging along a tall man with glasses and a shorter man in a white beret.

The shorter man looked a little terrified as the boy pulled them to a stop in front of McGonagall. The man in the glasses must have thought nobody was watching, as he reached over and intertwined his fingers with beret-man, who visibly relaxed and looked up at his companion with a shy smile, mumbling something.

_Well,_ Harry thought, _that's interesting._

Behind them, two other students were clearly harassing an irritated blonde with thick eyebrows. One, a girl, with thick curly red hair, and the other, a boy, with a darker red mop of hair that had side swept bangs over his eyebrows.

"Ahem," McGonagall cleared her throat, interrupting the two redheads (who kept elbowing each other and giggling anyways) and the couple with the little boy, who blushed and turned their attention to the witch.

The nations stopped looking around in awe at the Great Hall, and peered curiously at the old woman standing before them.

"When I read your….oh, dear me, do you all speak English?" She questioned, glancing around as they all nodded.

"I speak AMERICAN!" Alfred interjected, raising his hand.

"You git, that IS English!" Arthur barked, flicking Alfred's forehead. The Great Hall roared with laughter before McGonagall silenced them.

"When I read your name," She began again, "Come here to the front and put the hat on to be sorted. Arlovskaya, Natalia!"

The room hushed as a girl with long almost white hair, with a large bow perched on top, unglued herself from a scarved Russian boy (who looked relieved) and approached the stool. In less than ten seconds, the hat had its answer.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Beilschmidt, Gilbert!"

"Yes! I will be in the most awesome house!" Gilbert grinned and took his seat on the stool.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Beilschmidt, Ludwig!" McGonagall called, and a stern boy marched his way to the front.

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Hey," Harry leaned to Hermione, "Three Slytherins at the start? This seems odd."

"Yes," Hermione agreed, frowning slightly, "There is something peculiar about these new students…"

"Bondevik, Lukas!"

"Good luck, Nor—" Mathias crowed before Emil punched his arm, "Uh, Lukas!"

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Bonnefoy, Francis!"

With a kiss blown towards the audience, Francis made his way to the stool, sitting down and crossing his legs to wait for the answer. He didn't wait long.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

At any rate, this sorting ceremony would take forever. Let's speed things up, shall we?

"Braginski, Ivan!"

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Carriedo, Antonio!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Edelstein, Roderich!"

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Galante, Raivis!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Hedervary, Elizabeta!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Honda, Kiku."

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Jones, Alfred."

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Karpusi, Heracles!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Kirkland, Allistor!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Kirkland, Arthur!"

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Kirkland, Dylan!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Kirkland, Jack!"

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Kirkland, Peter!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Kohler, Mathias!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Laurinaitis, Toris!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Lukasiewicz, Feliks!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"O'hara, Eily!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Oxensternia, Berwald!"

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Steillson, Emil!"

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Vainamoinen, Tino!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Vargas, Feliciano!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Vargas, Lovino!"

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

"Wang, Yao!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Williams, Matthew!"

"…Didn't I just place you? GRYFFINDOR!"

"Zwingli, Lilli!"

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Zwingli, Vash!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

With the new students sorted, the feast began, creating the joyful chattering of students welcoming new ones to their respective houses. Unfortunately, a few of the nations were not so fond of the seating arrangements.

"Why do I have to sit all the way over here? My sister is…HEY! LEAVE HER ALONE!" Vash spat angrily, pointing his finger across at the Ravenclaw table where a student was making conversation with Lilli.

The boy immediately stopped conversing, and turned hastily back to his pudding. Vash spent the rest of the feast keeping a close watch on his little sister.

"Isn't this great, big brother?" Natalia asked, giggling and scooting closer to Ivan, who was leaning away, "Now we never have to be apart!"

Ivan quickly tried to move seats, but Natalia stuck fast, holding him down and trying to feed him some sort of salad.

Meanwhile, Berwald had taken it upon himself to fix his own predicament, leaving Dumbledore amused from his seat. Having never really been able to eat without Tino sitting near him, Berwald quickly dragged the Hufflepuff back to his own Slytherin table, much to the disagreement of one Draco Malfoy.

"He's a Hufflepuff, he can't eat here!" Malfoy insisted, eyeing Tino savagely and making the poor Finn cower behind Berwald's arm.

"Stays here." Berwald insisted calmly.

"Why?"

"He's my wife. He stays here."

"Berwald!" Tino complained, shrinking even further into the taller nation as the stares of disbelief washed over the other Slytherins. "I'm not your wife…"

Peter, making his debut in perfect timing, grinned and stood up on his bench to wave to his 'parents.'

"MOM! I'M IN THE SAME HOUSE AS YOU! ISN'T THAT GREAT?"

The room went nearly silent as everyone turned to stare at Tino, who squeaked and covered his red face in Berwald's shirt. Mathias and Gilbert began roaring with laughter at the predicament, before explaining to the people around them that Tino and Berwald were in fact, married, and had adopted Peter in the stead of their own children (they didn't mention Ladonia).

After the feast fiasco and Umbridge's rather tiring speech about what to expect that year, everyone was invited to journey to their respective dorm rooms and get a good nights rest. That is, except for the nations, whom Dumbledore asked to stay and linger for a moment.

"As you know," Dumbledore smiled, walking towards the huddled group once the room was emptied out, "the students here are, in fact, mortal. I do not wish to worry them with the thought of some other beings attending their school. It might upset them, you see? So, while you are staying here, I would ask that you keep your true identities a secret."

"Oh, boy…" Alfred sighed, this would be a long year.

**A/N: Blah, it's bad, I know. But it's 2 am here and I wanted to write something. I'll update soon! Oh, and if needed, you should be able to find the names of all the nations online, except for Ireland, who is Eily O'hara. Thanks for reading, please review!**


	2. Chapter 1: Talks with Umbridge and

**A/N: Well, I'm certainly glad everyone was so enthusiastic about my stupid crack fanfiction crossover! I ended up getting more reviews than I thought I would, and they were all so nice! I ended up getting a request to ship Harry and Yao, and it really made me laugh! I'll consider it ;)**

**Anyways, here's the next update. Sorry it's so random, I'm still working out plot details. Hee hee.**

Chapter One: Talks with Umbridge and Hero Complexes

By the time class lists were handed out the next morning, Tino was getting really sick of all the stares from the other students. Peter, bless him, seemed oblivious to the whole thing and continued to follow his 'mom' and 'dad' around like normal. If anything, this only increased the strange stares they got.

Of course, these reactions were nothing compared to those of Professor Umbridge, who called the three of them into her office after breakfast. Tino was shaking like a leaf by the time they reached the door, and Berwald just reached over to comfort him when the door opened.

"_Ahem_." Coughed a small voice, and the three of them looked over to the small, toad-like woman standing before them. "Please, come in!"

Tino and Berwald exchanged a glance as Peter smiled and joyfully pushed past Umbridge and made his way into the room. With a slight bit of hesitation, they both followed and Umbridge closed the door behind them.

"I'm sorry, what is this about?" Tino asked, sitting down in one of the fluffy pink chairs. Peter quickly made his way onto Tino's lap, making Umbridge's smile falter a bit.

"Well, you see..." She began, coughing again, "There seems to be a rather odd rumor floating around, and I was hoping you could dispel it."

"What rumor?"

"The students have been chattering all night and morning about the, ah, little ones...outburst during the feast last night. When he called you his mother." Umbridge sat down in the seat behind her desk and took a sip of tea, waiting for them to respond.

"Oh, that." Tino flushed, "Peter just gets a little excited sometimes. But don't worry, I'll make sure he doesn't stand on the table like that anymore. You won't, will you, Peter?"

"No, mom..." Peter sighed, crossing his arms.

"Thank you, Peter." Tino smiled before looking up at Umbridge again, "Is that all?"

"Just a moment longer, please." Umbridge stood up, pointing her finger at Tino and then moving over to Berwald, "If I am understanding correctly, you two are...?"

"Married." Berwald muttered, raising an eyebrow. Where was she going with this?

"And...this boy is...?"

"Our son." Tino confirmed. He didn't like the way she sounded.

"Well! Dumbledore certainly has an...accepting school, doesn't he? Unfortunately, the ministry has it's hand in things here, and we don't not allow that sort of behavior. Here at Hogwarts, you must remain at least twenty feet apart at all times. No exceptions."

"What...?" Tino asked, glancing over at his husband. How were they going to manage that?

"But...they're my parents." Peter complained, not fully understanding what was going on, "They have to stay together!"

"Rules are rules, Mr. Kirkland." Umbridge sniffed, taking another sip of tea.

"You...you can't..." Peter looked horrified, before turning and hugging his 'mom' tightly. "They belong together, and a toad like you can't just rip them apart like this!"

"Peter, hush." Tino muttered, "It's alright, your dad and I can-"  
"No! It isn't okay!" Peter insisted, "My goats will run her out of this castle! She can't tear my parents apart just because she's jealous nobody likes her!"

"_Ahem!_" Umbridge interrupted again, "If you're quite finished, I need you to sign these forms accepting my terms."

"No." Berwald crossed his arms, refusing to sign the paper.

"No?" Umbridge asked in disbelief, "I'm afraid you misunderstand me, Mr. Oxenstierna. You see-"

"You can't legally kick someone out of school because of their gender, sexuality, or race." Tino insisted, looking her directly in the eye before flinching at her gaze and looking away.

"I see! Well, I suppose I have no choice but to let you go...for now. But mark my words, gentlemen. I will not allow any sort of public displays of affection from the two of you in this school. If I catch a glimpse...well, you'll need to be punished." Umbridge smiled, and tapped the end of a certain quill on her desk before sending them on her way.

TIMESKIP THING

"You will be creating the Draught of Living Death." Snape sneered, looking around at the students in his classroom. The Gryffindors and Ravenclaws together. Disgusting.

"Uh, dude, I have a question!" Alfred shouted from the back of the room, "How can it be living death? That makes no sense!"

"Ten points from Gryffindor for incompetence!" Snape snapped, getting sick of this. In the last ten minutes, Alfred Jones had interrupted his class no more than seven times. "The instructions are on the board, and I expect a vial from each and every one of you at the end of class. Go!"

The students scrambled for ingredients, beginning their potions. Alfred, paired with his brother Matthew, was hastily chopping his Sopophorous beans to retrieve the juice. At the table over, Allistor and Eily were working on their potion quickly until Allistor accidentally knocked some billywigs into the cauldron, causing it to smoke. Eily shrieked, backing away from the cauldron, and Alfred looked up at the smoke.

"Whoa! Dude! Don't worry! I can fix it! After all, I'm the hero!" He grinned and jumped up to 'fix' it, despite urgings from Hermione and Snape not to touch it. Alfred ignored them, and dumped in the infusion of wormwood, hoping to tone down the potion. It didn't.

Instead, the potion caught on fire, shooting out small sparks and destroying several of the potion bottles on the shelves in the classroom.

The students began screaming, ducking under their desks and hiding behind pillars to avoid the sparks. Snape managed to get everyone evacuated from the classroom before using his wand to get rid of the potion and joining his students outside.

"Mr. Jones!" He snarled, "You and Mr. Potter will be at my classroom every night after dinner to complete your two weeks detention!"

"Me?" Harry asked in disbelief, "But I didn't do any-"

"I am certain you were a part of this!" Snape glared down at the two boys who exchanged glances, "And another sixty points from Gryffindor for sheer stupidity."

**A/N: Yeah. Not the longest, but it sounded okay, so I kind of went with it. For the record, I hate Umbridge and I was making myself ticked off as I was writing this. Don't forget to review!**


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